And write this down and refer to it often: We are all different and on different grief schedules. Be firm when you tell your people that there is not a hope in hell of you making any decisions about much of anything in these first few weeks, months, seasons, years. You may need to tell your person (whoever that is) that although she/he mourns too, she/he will need to take charge of your lives for a while.

You need to be as gentle with yourself as you would be with your mother if she was going through what you are going through right now. But please don’t do it every night for a week. Staying up all night listening to the music from your childhood that sears through your soul and makes you feel, feel, feel the feelings – is okay for a few days at a time. Put clothes on if you leave the house (bras are optional) and remember that deodorant is a good idea regardless of the season. Don’t forget to eat, and drink lots of water. You will find yourself having some difficulty getting through the motions of daily life. In these earliest of days (early means at least one year) you are probably swinging between paralysis and hyper-activity. Perhaps one day in the very distant future you may even feel strong enough to share your own mother-loss experience with other women. But one day, maybe many, many years down the road, you will realize that you are kind of okay-ish. If you loved your mom so much that you are practically certain that you can’t go on, I want to tell you something. I remember some of what you are feeling, and most of what you are trying not to feel. If you are one of the fortunate ones who had a good relationship with your mom and she has passed away in the more recent past, I want you to know that I am very, very sorry.

I wasn’t always close with my mother, but my recovery brought our hearts and lives together for at least the last ten years of her life. I realize that not everyone is close to their mother, and so when death comes it brings a lot of feelings that I can’t relate to. Most days it feels like forever since we lost her, but I still wake up once in a blue while (her saying, not sure where it came from) and forget that she is gone. My mom was only 68 years old when she died from leukemia on April 27, 2000.

Wallace the brave 22.12.19